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FOX NEWS FOLLIES

By Rodger Jacobs


July 3, 2004

I have a loose leaf notebook, a pen, a VCR, cable access, and plenty of time on my hands. So, let's see what those Fair and Balanced folks over at Fox News have been up to this lazy Saturday afternoon.

SADDAM BEING SECRETLY HELD IN SAN FRANCISCO?
During a discussion this morning on the looming trial of the deposed despot (Fox prefers the term "ousted dictator") an on-screen header asked what enquiring minds want to know: Will Saddam's Top Aides Turn On Their Former Leader?

Thanks for the homoerotic imagery, guys. I think the operative verb you were searching for is "betray".

DON'T HATE ME BECAUSE I'M BLONDE
During a conversation with Tammy Bruce about who John Kerry might select for a running mate, perky blonde anchor Paige Hopkins asked, "What about Diane Fein-steen?"

BUY AMERICAN. WE HAVE TO FIX THIS ECONOMY SOMEHOW
Author Roger Simmermaker (who?) made an appearance early this afternoon to encourage Americans to only buy products manufactured in the good ol' U.S. of A this holiday weekend. Here's a handy checklist compiled by Simmermaker that you should print out and take to the grocery store with you for handy reference:

A-1 Sauce: American
Lea & Perrins Steak Sauce: French

Wonder Bread: American
Arnold Bread: Owned by a Canadian company

French's Mustard: British (I thought they were our allies)
Grey Poupon: American

Coca-Cola: American
Dr. Pepper: Bought by a British firm

Fox also supplied the following information in a crawl over Roger's shopping tips:

7-11 stores owned by Japan

Michelin is French-owned

CompUSA is Mexican-owned

Juicy Juice is a Swiss company

You know, this America First thing has been tried before. It did not work. Don't believe me? Do a Google search on "Charles Lindbergh and America First." Have fun, kids.

HOLIER THAN THY NEIGHBOR
A Fox News/Opinion Dynamic Poll released this afternoon reveals that 64% of respondents say that they "are more patriotic than the average American." I demand to know what they used as a measurement for "the average American."

DON'T HATE ME BECAUSE I'M BLONDE 2
Molly Hennenberg was given the task this Saturday to report on Rep. Bernice Johnson's request for U.N.-controlled "international observers" during the upcoming U.S. elections. Seeking one monitor for every 100 polling precincts, Hennenberg reported, would result in "thousands of foreigners" overseeing the electoral process.
 

2004, Rodger Jacobs
All Rights Reserved

Rodger Jacobs is an award-winning journalist, screenwriter, and documentary producer. He lives in Los Angeles and concurs with Jack Kerouac's summation that L.A. is "the loneliest and most brutal of American cities."
Visit his website to find more of his writing.


 
 
 

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